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what do i do?? - Fortiquest
December 26th, 2005
09:46 pm

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what do i do??
What do you do when you genually care for someone, but you are finding that the habits and problems they have from an eairler age are ?

irispective of what anyone might think, i do care for carrie, but I feel on occasions that the assortment of problems is putting a strain on our relationship...

above and beyond all else I want us to remain friends, if the relationship were to break down (which i dont want) I will still care for her.

its about this point in my typing that i start to ramble a bit and the severe depression kicks in, I do know several of the things that set her of, she is on medication to help her cope with her stress but there are defenatly times (more of them reacently)when they dont seem to help and sometimes seem to hinder.

now the cat has jumped on me and is desprate for attention which makes this harder, in some ways the situation is simmaler to the cat, you want to care for it but you dont want to spend (what can seem like )every waking hour giving it attention. If you stop for a bit then it backslides and you have to work hard to get it back to statas quo. because it dosnt go out much it gets nervous or affraid, ah good cat is gone.

she gets stressed at the fact that she gets stressed, she finds it hard to make what she calls 'true friends' (the sort you would have at school and can go vist locally)

she finds it hard to get / keep job and blames smoe of it on everyone else muttering 'how long is she going to keep this one then?'

because she dosnt have anyone else to look to for help, i get landed with all the resonsibilitys, she wont even go in to town on her own (or rarely) because every moment i have of work, she needs the compony, so i dont get to have time to myself, with family, i have lost touch with freinds, i dont get time to relax because whatever i want to do she dosnt and needs company.

If she is having a bad day then i have to feed her because the effot of going downstairs would stress her out, then because i have no compony i dont cook anything propper, then (as is the situation now) my health gets affected, (I would be crying to my self a bit at the moment but i am to dehydrated).

when i have a day of work she wants me to spend it with her, we cant go for a walk because it is to cold for her, she dosnt want to play a game with me because she would rather be upstairs in the study, i cant read a book because that isnt socibale by her, i cant go on the computer because i have done that every night for weeks. what the hell am i supossed to do? i cant talk about work because she dosnt find it intresting, we havent been anywere lately so i cant talk about that, i cant daydream because i wouldnt be paying attentin to the conversation (what dam conversation??) I cant listen to music because she dosnt like my type of music, shall i continue??

I see my mother about every 2 months. She lives 2-3 miles a way, i see my brother more often than that and that is by web cam to manchester. cant invite her here because carrie is houseproad and the house is a mess (tyding happens occasionaly when there is low stress levels but usually in the rooms were she spends the most time, bedroom, study, bathroom). cant go over their house (the one i grew up in) because the envrioment and the way things are done stress her. when i try to have a talk by phone, i get called away to keep her compony. I miss my mummy. tslking about my family stresses her because it reminds her about the one she barely had,

the problem with writeing all this is when she reads it she will proberly take some of it differentally to how i mean it, she could take every word and example as gospel and not just see the generic/ big picture.

I care for her, i would like to think that i would do anything for her,,, i am starting to crack because there is so much to do.

I need her to get out of the house and get a life, i am not intressed in several of the things that she is, slash, silly quizzes and several other things, but to not pay any attention to those things would in her oppinoun to be ignore her compleatly.

I dont want to loose her but there are times when i feel that this is not working.

I dowbt that much of this will make a lot of sence to some people but getting it off my chest in my own (uninterupted) words will do me some good i hope...


sigh.

(9 comments | Leave a comment)

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From:entorien
Date:December 26th, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
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what can i say exept i do not intend any of this?
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From:kerravonsen
Date:December 26th, 2005 10:39 pm (UTC)
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The thought comes before the deed.
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From:micavity
Date:December 26th, 2005 10:29 pm (UTC)

IMPORTANT

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It is important for everyone to know that when i rant, i tend to put things and people in a much 'badder' light.

eg. things aren't that bad, but i have eggsagerated bits and missed out ocassions when the good side of things have happened.

ps. for people who might be unsure i DO love her.
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From:kerravonsen
Date:December 26th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC)
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One thing I find helpful with depression: every night, think of (and perhaps write down) five things to be thankful for.
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From:watervole
Date:December 27th, 2005 10:01 am (UTC)
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I see my mother about every 2 months. She lives 2-3 miles a way, i see my brother more often than that and that is by web cam to manchester. cant invite her here because carrie is houseproad and the house is a mess (tyding happens occasionaly when there is low stress levels but usually in the rooms were she spends the most time, bedroom, study, bathroom). cant go over their house (the one i grew up in) because the envrioment and the way things are done stress her. when i try to have a talk by phone, i get called away to keep her compony. I miss my mummy. tslking about my family stresses her because it reminds her about the one she barely had,

This part is driving me crazy as well. I never see you. WE're only welcome in your house when we're helping with DIY or buying something for you. You're almost never allowed to visit us. If you come with Carrie, she's desperate to leave before we have the temerity to offer you a proper meal and you've only ever been able to visit on your own about twice in two years.

I miss you. I'd say that I miss you even more when Henry's away, but that's only partly true because we sometimes miss you more when we're together and we're mutually missing you.

I want to be able to sit down and play music, go for walks, play memory games, play board games, watch TV we both like and pick the programme to pieces afterwards, do things together in the garden, sing songs, go to a ceilidh, and just sit and have long rambling conversations.
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From:entorien
Date:December 29th, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
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The reason we often leave before meals is because we have things to do at home, and we don't want to get home too late. I don't think that's unreasonable.
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From:johnrw
Date:December 27th, 2005 08:58 pm (UTC)

Re: What do I do?

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I dont want to loose her but there are times when i feel that this is not working.

I dowbt that much of this will make a lot of sence to some people but getting it off my chest in my own (uninterupted) words will do me some good i hope...


It makes way too much sense unfortunately, I've been in almost the exact same position. though it was over twenty years ago now. I was at university at the time and living in Halls.

I say almost because she wasn't my girlfriend, significant other or bedmate, she was part of a group of friends and was going out with someone else. It started slow, dropping around for a chat, alone or with others and gradually escalated over about a year and a half to the point where within minutes of my putting the desk light on and getting the books out to actually get some work done she would appear, sometimes she seemed just to want to be in the same room other times she sort of demanded attention, she developed a habit of being able to faint almost on demand, usually when I needed to go somewhere else!

I was going under from the strain of trying to cope, I acquired various strategies to avoid her, I ended up doing my year end exam revision in about three other people's rooms so my lights weren't on. This wasn't fair of these people either but it was sufficient to let me pass the years exams, and for that though we've never referred to it since, I am grateful for those who effectively stood guard over my academic life and probably sanity, particularly when after the first week she took to going around all the mutual friends and asking if I was there. A few people took it upon themselves to lie at the door and keep her from finding me.

It eventually came to more or less an end when the Pastoral group at the local Church she attended took a hand and mandated a clean break, professional counselling for her and her other half (they had been married over six months by the time the pastoral Elders took a hand).

The end truly came for me two years after I finished my degrees when they had a daughter, I continue to keep abreast of what's happening in their lives but I broke direct contact over fifteen years ago.

There's a lot more, but I wouldn't burden anyone with the totality I only wrote the above as token that I do know.

Which brings me to possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to say. Look deep into yourself and ponder this, do you really, really, without any shadow want this to work?

You must be totally honest with yourself, don't let your heart write cheques that you're not sure you can honour. to get partway down the route you must travel and then stop will be worse than not to make the attempt. I can only offer suggestions, it is for you to make it real.

Then you must seek help now, or as soon as the holidays permit, next week, not next month *NOW* be it secular or religious and if you approach your GP for pointers/referral don't let him write a prescription after a five minute consultation - it happens.

Drugs are potentially the wrong approach long term, the human body is an amazing piece of equipment and it accommodates itself to changed circumstances, For example the myalin sheath around the nerve fibres of alcoholics changes it's composition so that nerve conduction is nearly normal in alcohol levels which would render a normal person totally paralytic.

Evidence suggests that while going back to understand the causes and roots of problems you don't have to relive them, you look at it understand and then fold them away and get on with your life. It is amongst the hardest things anyone ever has to do, but a big part is to know when to put away the past. Unfortunately some people seem to be unable to do that and it becomes self reinforcing this is why you need a professional experienced person who is not emotionally involved to guide you both through this.

If you need to, email me, I have a few dormant contacts I could try and resurrect, including a consultant who might be persuaded (after the shock of five/six years of silence!) to suggest a qualified expert.
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From:johnrw
Date:December 27th, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC)

Re: What do I do?

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Just to add watervole has my private number if you really need it.
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From:grikmeer
Date:December 28th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
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Well you know if either of you want someone to talk to you can poke the me... you guys are like a big brother and sister to me so I'll try to help anyway i can
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